She used to hate the thought of hurting me
she used to hate the thought of me being hurt at all
she used to always, always, give me the benefit of the doubt
she used to be gently and vulnerably afraid of when we would fight
she used to be so excited to do anything and everything with me and she would talk about it all, in detail
her face used to light up every time I would look at her
her face used to light up every time I told her what she meant to me
her eyes used to glow every single time she told me that she loves me
she used to look me in the eyes every time she told me that she loves me..
her mood used to sky rocket to enthusiasm every time we spoke
her voice used to crack and shake every time she told me that missed me deeply
she used to tell me that she’s in love me almost every single day
she used to feel my pain every time I felt pain
she used to get sad and quiet when I would be feeling down
she used to love on me in the cutest and gentlest ways everytime I cried, every time I felt like I was at a dark place
she used to have so many things to tell me about, whether it be about her thoughts, her past, her ideas, her fears, her dreams
she used to tell me every single detail of every single part of her day…even if it’s just about her looking up random things on google
she used to never get enough of me
she used to always want more of me
she used be able to talk for hours and hours about anything and everything to me, and I wouldn’t even talk sometimes…because I’m in love with her voice.. and, I’m even more in love with the way that she gets lost in her thoughts as she lets me in on them as she speaks.
and sometimes, i just don’t want to talk at all while she speaks…
everything she says and the way that she says everything sounds like a lullaby to me…but not in the sense that it makes me fall asleep or feel tired. it makes me feel vulnerably at peace…with myself, with her, with the moment, with the world
even when she’s pissed
even when she’s just rambling
it’s not even rambling to me….
nothing she says is.
I’m in love with every single inch of every single part of her body
because it’s a part of her.
i’m in love with every single inch of her mind
every single inch of her heart
every single inch of her anger
every single inch of her sadness
every single inch of her secrets
because it’s her.
And every inch is just as important as the others
every inch is just as beautiful as the others..
my favorite time and place to be with her is when we’re alone in bed at night all the way up to the morning when we wake up together. because it feels like that room is the only thing I know, and it feels like that moment is the only moment I want to live in…even when we don’t speak at times.. even when she falls asleep so early and I end up staying up all night with her sleeping in my arms.. the most beautiful moment i ever feel in my life is the moment when she’s sleeping in my arms and i have my arm around her as I hold her from the back..because it feels like..her whole entire being, her whole entire existence,…is right there, safe, gentle, asleep, and held in my arms. there’s no place that I’d rather be…and that’s the only thing that I could say that I would always be afraid to admit, but even more afraid to never let her know.
sometimes i cry when shes sleeping in my arms. just a few tears… not because I’m sad…
It’s because.. in the past, before she entered my life, I never once believed that love existed. and by love…. I’m talking about this beautiful vulnerability that I feel and that I am because of her. I’m talking about this heavy yet light feeling and determination that I will never be able to or want to be able to scratch out the feeling of wanting to be in her presence. the feeling of completeness when I she’s with me. the feeling of complete and genuine happiness I get whenever she smiles at me and looks at me, the feeling of peaceful satisfaction whenever I feel how happy she is, the feeling of wanting to sink into her every time I smell her hair and her body, the feeling of having this consistent and frequent desire to make her feel desired in every possible way…the feeling that nothing and noone matters anymore. because she’s all that I could ever need and want..
i don’t care if that sounds unrealistic, or illogical, or intense
or whatever it could sound like
why live this life without her, when, life with her, is the only life I care about
whether that life with her is filled with adventures, emptyness, sadness, fear, enthusiasm, deaths, unplanned changes, distance, wealth, no wealth at all, success, frequent failures, family, isolation, or whatever and whatever it could be or would be.
if it’s a life with her…it’s a life I care about and it’s a life a cherish and value with all of my heart and all of my entire being and all that I can be and all that I am.
I don’t just love her.
I’m IN love with her.
Do you get that?
I don’t know if you do… I don’t just love everything she is.
I don’t just love her existence.
But I’m inside this love. I’ve sunk into it. I’ve drowned into it,
yet, I’m breathing in it. I’m living in it.
I’ve wandered into this love, I’ve wandered into her.
and I never left, I never strayed,
not even for a second, not once.
I’m embracing this love, I’m embracing her and everything that she is
and I’ve locked myself into this world
and i don’t know if she knows it, but she has the key
and the only way that I would leave,
is if she gave it to me herself, and requested my departure.